Losing It
by HaltiOvi
Summary: Hisoka starts feeling blue and finds out there's a link between his empathy and Tsuzuki! Kinda short. Written by someone with experience.


I think I'm depressed.

Well, I wouldn't really know... I don't know the difference between depression and just being down. Being blue.

Lately, by the time I get home from work, I feel awful.

Maybe I'm getting sick?

But when I'm in the office I don't feel this way. Except when I think of it, but that's more like a memory pain. Phantom emotion, I suppose.

I did notice that when I'm around Tsuzuki I feel better. Is it because he's so happy? He keeps away the sadness?

Or is he the cause of the depression?

Feeling such a happy feeling all day long, maybe it's like a high. When I go home, leave him for the day, the happiness is gone. The high is snatched from me and I descend into the worst low I've felt in a long time.

While at home, when I think of Tsuzuki, it hurts more. My body knows that he makes the pain go away, thinking of him makes me realize how far apart we are at the moment. It hurts.

Tsuzuki is a drug.

I hesitated when leaving work, knowing the pain that awaited me, feeling the phantom emotional pain.

Tsuzuki asked me what was wrong. I tell him it's nothing to worry about. He persisted, bugging me with questions. Instead of walking away, I answered each question with _nothing, it's fine._ I was stalling. Wasn't I?

I asked him what he was going to do when he left. He said he was going to go get some dinner, there was nothing in his kitchen to eat. I offered to go with him, not that I really needed anything. He looked shocked at my offer but happily accepted my company.

I was stalling.

A few weeks later. It hit me. I was in love with him.

It hit me when watching something on TV. It was a documentary about the brain and emotions and such, I found it very educational. Especially on the topic of love, an emotion I wasn't familiar with.

It made me realize, these reactions, my feelings, things I didn't understand... I was in love with Tsuzuki.

I accepted it with a calmness, though a little shocked. If that's how it was, that's how it was. I was in love. Fine. Just knowing still didn't help much.

I still felt depressed when I got home. I still craved his... Did I crave his emotion or he himself? I didn't know, I didn't care, it didn't matter. All I knew was that I craved some part of him. That's all it took to reduce me to such a pitiful state. I hated the me that I had become.

I admit to looking up random things about love. Things like how to win him over, how to hint at my feelings, how to tell if he felt the same. I admit it. I was curious. But nothing was subtle enough, or it was too subtle. Or frighteningly bold.

And I was _not_ going to flutter my eyelashes at him like some horny teenager. I was also _not_ going to smile at him often or laugh at his jokes especially if I don't find them funny or give him more intimate contact... Whatever that meant.

Like hugging him or something? It didn't really clarify.

In any case.

And he smiled at me all the time and called me cute and tried to glomp me... Did that mean he loved me, or is he just affectionate?

I let my head hit the desk at work with a thonk.

Tsuzuki, worried, asked if I was alright, was I tired, did I need to lay down, did he need to get Watari... Ugh.

I put my hands over my head and told him to shut up.

He quietly asked if my empathy was acting up. I didn't answer. Then he mumbled something about if I had drank too much last night. I told him I didn't drink (much) last night and to let me think.

He quieted down and got back to work, leaving me to lay my head against the cool wood of the desk.

came in. I felt it. Tsuzuki was working and I wasn't, what a strange sight it must be.

He asked me if anything was wrong, was it my empathy, did I need Watari, etc... ARGH.

I told him no, and that it was personal.

He told me to finish my work, then I can think personal thoughts. Then he left.

Argh! It's not like _that_ ! I wanted to shout. But I just went back to my work, feeling drained and tired.

My feelings like this went on for a few months.

I still feel depressed when I'm not with Tsuzuki.

I have less drive at work, but I manage.

I'm eating less, but that could just be from the Summer heat, and not this so-called Depression... I still never found out if it was even technically depression... Oh well.

Tsuzuki still gives me that high, the high that I know will spiral downward as soon as I leave his company.

And I will _not_ cry. I won't. I won't. I won't. I _can't_. I don't _want_ to. So, I won't. I won't... I... Won't. I refuse.

_sniff._

* * *

><p>That's it. So yeah, um, depressing... I wasn't exactly happy when I was writing this. Let's just say I wrote from experience. The love situation AND the empathy stuff. This may continue, depending on if I can work up the nerve to confess to the person <em>I<em>have a crush on... Whom I may not see until September for NDK. Just so you know.

Oh, and if you're curious as to how Hisoka (coughAndMyselfcough) feels during the low, think of it like homesickness. I guess it's true, home is where the heart is, because I'm homesick for that person~!

For those who don't know what homesickness feels like, you know that feeling when you're in a car and it goes into a dip and your stomach flops, it's like that. But continuous.

Okay, enough ranting for now... Hope you enjoyed the story and please review!


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